It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
