ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
