I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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