We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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