She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
