At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In America we eat man semen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
