I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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