Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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