oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
