I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
