You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
