In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
