I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
