When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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