You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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