here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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