I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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