What did we do last night that was yellow?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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