I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
