I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
