Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
