my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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