I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
