this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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