have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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