glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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