Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
