I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
