I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
