I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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