my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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