No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
