oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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