I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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