My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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