I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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