Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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