I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize