Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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