I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize