when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I want to fling myself into the sun
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
