My first STD was from a foam party
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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