Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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