so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
