This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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