you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
