living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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