I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
