It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
