i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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