Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So here I am, sexting at work.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
