You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
