Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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