Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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