if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
