his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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