I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
